"It Works Napoleon, You don't even know."

Hi.

There's a huge sale going on at relevantstore.com and I'm having a hard time resisting...some really good books and cds are going for really cheap...

I got some wicked sweet t-shirts in the mail yesterday. Three Blindside t-shirts. One for their tour for About a Burning Fire, one for a song called Put Back the Stars, and one for one of my favorite songs, When I Remember. I'll post some pics later, along with my hair experiment pics.

The Almost is so cool. You can listen to their whole cd now on their myspace page. I reccommend Say This Sooner, Dirty and Left Out, and Amazing Because It Is. I thought they were going to be mainstream like Underoath, (Aaron Gillespie, singer and drummer for Underoath, is the frontman for the band) but NO!! Straightforward lyrics about Jesus. I love it!

I'm starting to get rid of a lot of stuff. I've noticed lately that I've turned into quite a packrat. One rule I've instilled on myself is that when I commit a specific sin, I have to get rid of something. Not in atonement, obviously, since that would be unnecessary, but to force me to think about sin and the consequences it has on my life.

And it means I have to get rid of junk. So...I might list some things and see if anybody wants some junk, er, uh, nifty stuff. I have a bunch of Star Wars stuff I'm getting rid of, among other things...

Anyways, I was hoping to get back to my old style of blogging, posting a few verses and then talking about it. I don't want to blog anymore without doing this, at least not for the rest of the week, and maybe when I post new fiction. Of which I do have something, I promise...I'm just holding off a bit so I don't post something rough that needs a lot of work.

Anyways...

How about some Ecclesiastes 2, kids?!

Any and all thoughts welcome as always...I'm not entirely confident this is all clear...

"I said in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure; enjoy yourself." But behold, this also was vanity. I said of laughter, "It is mad," and of pleasure, "What use is it?" I searched with my heart how to cheer my body with wine--my heart still guiding me with wisdom--and how to lay hold on folly, till I might see what was good for the children of man to do under heaven during the few days of their life. I made great works. I built houses and planted vineyards for myself. I made myself gardens and parks, and planted in them all kinds of fruit trees. I made myself pools from which to water the forest of growing trees. I bought male and female slaves, and had slaves who were born in my house. I had also great possessions of herds and flocks, more than any who had been before me in Jerusalem. I also gathered for myself silver and gold and the treasure of kings and provinces. I got singers, both men and women, and many concubines, the delight of the children of man.

So I became great and surpassed all who were before me in Jerusalem. Also my wisdom remained with me. And whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil. Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun."

-Ecclesiastes 2: 1-11

The Preacher finds vanity in all his self indulgence. There is a deep loneliness in his words here. He extravagantly spent massive amounts of money and effort on himself, sparing no expense in attempting to satisfy himself.

I counted the number of times he references himself and came up with 34 pronouns. 34 times he referenced himself with me, myself or I. My heart, my toil, my pleasure. The only time he really talks about other people, he isn't talking about companions and friends, he's talking about slaves and singers, people he treats like possessions.

I pictured as I read this a man striving all alone, making gardens and parks and planting trees. In actuality, I doubt he did any of the work he's talking about here. His slaves did all the work, and yet he talks about his vain toil as if he did it all alone. I think as he wrote this the preacher must have been seeing the affects of selfishness in his life.

He ran himself dry focused on trying to please himself, and to serve himself alone. All his works and strivings were nothing without love. We need God's love to finish us and make us complete. All we can accomplish on our own is vainly making ourselves miserable.

There is no greater misery on earth than to live only for yourself. I know, because I learned it the hard way. I used to live my life waiting for others to serve me and love me and be kind to me, and when they failed to do so to the extent I wanted, I allowed myself to become miserable and depressed at being such a failure, feeling like there was so much wrong with me that people hated me. I was right about there being something wrong with me, but I despaired instead of recognizing a problem with an easy solution.

God faithfully allowed me to see this last year, that the way I would hate myself and tear myself apart is only me being selfish. I focus on myself far too much and when I don't get what I what, I become unhappy.

I was living a life of indulgence just like the Preacher speaks of here. Not of riches and wealth as he, but sadness. Constant despair in my pain, not trusting that God is strong enough to cleanse me of any failure and sin.

He has helped me to learn to put the focus off of myself more and more and put it on others, chiefly God and His glory and His cross. His cleansing, blood, His church, and His people.

Anything but me.

Live not for yourself, but yet for God and there can be no room for regret, no hiding place for misery, and no home for a self-centered heart.