Okay, I'm changing my visual DNA thing. I'm so sick of looking at my "that's gross." I don't know why they had to include that one...

Um, I guess it's been awhile since I blogged. I'll try to post something soon!

Tonight maybe you bind you with dirty second hands...

This was pretty fun...I'll be interested to what y'all get...so you should give it a try. Mine was actually pretty accurate.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I'll never know when it's my time to go...

I posted a blog on Lifteyes. Let me know what you think...

*hides*

I've left earlier than you'll ever know...

>_>

<_<

I think I'm going to have new content up today.

>_>

<_<

I looked up Adam and Eve on Wikipedia. All those apocryphal books are crazy...all those side stories involving Lillith and Enoch and Lamech and all. A lot of what I read contradicts the Bible and is thus useless to me, but some of it may be fairly useful...I might gently, carefully borrow a few things from the old stories...

<_<

>_>

I feel like I should take yesterday's blog down. I'm not going to, though. The whole purpose of this blog, though, I should say, is to distract and take attention away from it until I decide if I like it or not. There's a little easter egg on the site, now. Well, not exactly an easter egg, but something that used to be hidden can be seen now. If you find it and leave me a comment on it, I will buy you pie.

Later, young llamas.

^_^

v-v

"It Works Napoleon, You don't even know."

Hi.

There's a huge sale going on at relevantstore.com and I'm having a hard time resisting...some really good books and cds are going for really cheap...

I got some wicked sweet t-shirts in the mail yesterday. Three Blindside t-shirts. One for their tour for About a Burning Fire, one for a song called Put Back the Stars, and one for one of my favorite songs, When I Remember. I'll post some pics later, along with my hair experiment pics.

The Almost is so cool. You can listen to their whole cd now on their myspace page. I reccommend Say This Sooner, Dirty and Left Out, and Amazing Because It Is. I thought they were going to be mainstream like Underoath, (Aaron Gillespie, singer and drummer for Underoath, is the frontman for the band) but NO!! Straightforward lyrics about Jesus. I love it!

I'm starting to get rid of a lot of stuff. I've noticed lately that I've turned into quite a packrat. One rule I've instilled on myself is that when I commit a specific sin, I have to get rid of something. Not in atonement, obviously, since that would be unnecessary, but to force me to think about sin and the consequences it has on my life.

And it means I have to get rid of junk. So...I might list some things and see if anybody wants some junk, er, uh, nifty stuff. I have a bunch of Star Wars stuff I'm getting rid of, among other things...

Anyways, I was hoping to get back to my old style of blogging, posting a few verses and then talking about it. I don't want to blog anymore without doing this, at least not for the rest of the week, and maybe when I post new fiction. Of which I do have something, I promise...I'm just holding off a bit so I don't post something rough that needs a lot of work.

Anyways...

How about some Ecclesiastes 2, kids?!

Any and all thoughts welcome as always...I'm not entirely confident this is all clear...

"I said in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure; enjoy yourself." But behold, this also was vanity. I said of laughter, "It is mad," and of pleasure, "What use is it?" I searched with my heart how to cheer my body with wine--my heart still guiding me with wisdom--and how to lay hold on folly, till I might see what was good for the children of man to do under heaven during the few days of their life. I made great works. I built houses and planted vineyards for myself. I made myself gardens and parks, and planted in them all kinds of fruit trees. I made myself pools from which to water the forest of growing trees. I bought male and female slaves, and had slaves who were born in my house. I had also great possessions of herds and flocks, more than any who had been before me in Jerusalem. I also gathered for myself silver and gold and the treasure of kings and provinces. I got singers, both men and women, and many concubines, the delight of the children of man.

So I became great and surpassed all who were before me in Jerusalem. Also my wisdom remained with me. And whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil. Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun."

-Ecclesiastes 2: 1-11

The Preacher finds vanity in all his self indulgence. There is a deep loneliness in his words here. He extravagantly spent massive amounts of money and effort on himself, sparing no expense in attempting to satisfy himself.

I counted the number of times he references himself and came up with 34 pronouns. 34 times he referenced himself with me, myself or I. My heart, my toil, my pleasure. The only time he really talks about other people, he isn't talking about companions and friends, he's talking about slaves and singers, people he treats like possessions.

I pictured as I read this a man striving all alone, making gardens and parks and planting trees. In actuality, I doubt he did any of the work he's talking about here. His slaves did all the work, and yet he talks about his vain toil as if he did it all alone. I think as he wrote this the preacher must have been seeing the affects of selfishness in his life.

He ran himself dry focused on trying to please himself, and to serve himself alone. All his works and strivings were nothing without love. We need God's love to finish us and make us complete. All we can accomplish on our own is vainly making ourselves miserable.

There is no greater misery on earth than to live only for yourself. I know, because I learned it the hard way. I used to live my life waiting for others to serve me and love me and be kind to me, and when they failed to do so to the extent I wanted, I allowed myself to become miserable and depressed at being such a failure, feeling like there was so much wrong with me that people hated me. I was right about there being something wrong with me, but I despaired instead of recognizing a problem with an easy solution.

God faithfully allowed me to see this last year, that the way I would hate myself and tear myself apart is only me being selfish. I focus on myself far too much and when I don't get what I what, I become unhappy.

I was living a life of indulgence just like the Preacher speaks of here. Not of riches and wealth as he, but sadness. Constant despair in my pain, not trusting that God is strong enough to cleanse me of any failure and sin.

He has helped me to learn to put the focus off of myself more and more and put it on others, chiefly God and His glory and His cross. His cleansing, blood, His church, and His people.

Anything but me.

Live not for yourself, but yet for God and there can be no room for regret, no hiding place for misery, and no home for a self-centered heart.

Your love is simply insane...

Hi.

It's been awhile. Sorry...I'll try to get something up soon. And I won't even take it down the next day. I've got some stuff I'll post from my journal as soon as I type it up and look it over...

Saturday and Sunday were pretty incredible days. I did some street evangelism downtown with a small group of guys on Saturday in the rain. We didn't have any instant coverts falling to their knees and repenting, but I think we at least gave them something to think about.

I don't know how I feel about the way it went, actually. Sometimes it seems like we should all be running through the streets screaming about Jesus instead of just going about our lives like nothing is different. We slowly, subtly brought God into all of our conversations that day...which I guess worked to actually get people to talk to us...but it didn't really seem to have that much affect in the end. But more on that later. Saturday night I started a big write up on this and I'll try to finish it when I can.

Sunday was quite different. Chad had his graduation party and a handful of us were feeling silly so we went to Wally World and bought him a bunch of gifts. A ton of squirt guns, some bubbles, a kite, wicked sweet shades, bunny Peeps, and pop-rocks.

The squirt guns may have been a bad idea. They triggered the biggest water fight I think I've ever been apart of. We broke nearly all the guns, we were filling cups and buckets and soaking each other, there were water balloons(and water balloon drive-bys) and we spent maybe an hour, at least, running around getting each other wet.

It may have been a bad idea, but it was so so so much fun.

There was also a sweet ultimate game (even though we the underdogs were defeated), some skateboarding tricks, swinging, nearly bringing down a swingset, and overweight sea urchins.

I am an overweight sea urchin. I'm not too proud to admit that.

I got all tore up and my ankles are sore and my feet are pretty much raw since I was barefoot all day and I ripped up my knee but it was all worth it. It reminded me of summer days in Ohio, just having fun all day. I remember getting into water fights all the time when we lived out there...


I have some rocking scabs now. Cross your fingers that they'll scab...

I feel like I'm forgetting stuff. Oh well...

Okay, so anyways, sorry for the lack of content lately...even after I promised lots was on its way last week. I'll keep working on some stuff...I might post a ton of pictures soon...my hair's rather longer now so I may play around with different styles...the last time I did a faux hawk it looked wicked sweet.

Later llamas!

They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me, they look up to the stars and wonder where you might be...

Hey hey.

New look, obviously. Still working out some bugs. Let me know what you think!

Yeah, so I've been promising new writing. Now that I actually typed up some stuff, I'm not at all confident I like it. I think I'll run with a poem today. I want to think about some of the wordage I used in my new short story before I post it.

Anyways, any thoughts on this poem would make me happy...I'm not sure what I think yet.

Nowhere near as good as the song in my blog title...I think I might take this down and put that up...or maybe I'll just change the third line...

“Blind”

If I could only see,
That You are love,
That I’m becoming love,
I would never cease to seek You out.

If I could only see,
That You bring my joy,
That all happiness is found in You,
I would never cease to follow You.

If I could only see,
That You bring me wisdom,
That You alone provide me with counsel,
I would never cease to submit to You.

If I could only understand,
That You are everything and the only thing eternal,
That I bring empty hands and nothing desirable,
I would never want for less than You,
Nor ever want in the care of Your love.

The winter came early that year, but I've been saving air since spring...

I'm on break from Bio...today's been the most lovely day ever. After chemistry class and bible study today I went for a walk through this big open space behind Frontrange and it was awesome. There's a lake back there and I loved being out in nature with all the animals and trees just taking a walk around the lake. It really feels like Spring now...I can't describe it all in the short time I've got before class starts again...I think it's one of my favorite places in the Denver area...after Stanley Lake...I love it out there too.

Anyways, spring break is here!! Just in time for Spring, which officially started yesterday!! This makes me so happy...

I got a new story idea today, too. Something very different from all the stuff I've worked or talked about before. I'm going to keep it under my hat for awhile longer, though...

Anyways, back to it...only two hours to freedom...

A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes and sunshine breaks through the clouds, I can cry out of sorrow and joy, every drop of rain turns to...

Longest blog title ever.

I love Blindside. Especially "When I Remember".

I should post the story behind that song sometime, if I haven't already...it's pretty cool the way it came about...

I put a hold on three books Tuesday. I spent that whole afternoon in the library studying, so naturally, the lure of all those books was...distracting. My hope was that one book would show up by Thursday and I could read it over spring break, which starts for me tonight, and so when I got a call that I had something to pick up at the library, I was quite happy.

But then!!

ALL THREE books were there...so now I have three books to read over spring break! That's too many! Aaaaiiieeee!

They are:

Prison Ship
Doppleganger
The Stone Light

Yeah, so I'll probably wind up taking one back, maybe two. But maybe not, rawr.

And then I found twenty bucks.

New writing will be up tonight or tomorrow morning. Later emu people.

This makes me feel I'll never be quite normal...

Nothing to report today...I updated my current favorite songs list...that's all I got...

I'm thinking overhaul when spring break hits.

Oh yes!

It's almost here.

Overhaul, new poetry, new story, and new writing...woot.

I also promised a review of the new Relient K cd...I might try to follow through with that, as well as a review of The Almost's debut, which I may buy the day it comes out...

There's a bunch of good cds coming out in the next couple months...As Cities Burn, David Crowder Band, Lifehouse, Seven Places, Project 86, KJ-52, Falling Up, The Afters...wish I could afford half of them...

...and Blindside and House of Heroes are supposed to have new cds out this year too...

In other news, Skin comes out in a few weeks!

AND

Actually, that's it.

I finished Samurai 7 today. Excellent, excellent show. It's a really powerful story about seven samurai with nothing to gain that risk their lives to save a farming village from bandits and wind up bringing a whole empire to its knees. I can see why the original classic movie, the Seven Samurai, is so renowned...and why it's been redone as Samurai 7 and the Magnificent Seven...anyways, highly recommendable...but not for kids. A lot of violence and one of the samurai in particular is always carrying on really loud and he swears a lot...it's actually kind of funny...actually, I really shouldn't recommend it.

The characters were really well defined, too. Each of the seven samurai had their own distinct personality. Kyuso's my favorite...I made a picture of him my avatar on myspace...characters that hardly ever talk and can wield a sword insanely well are always cool...

Enough chit-chat...I've written way more than I planned...

Later llamas! Tons of reading to do and a story to write!

It feels like me against the nations...

And now for something completely different. Here are the current titles for nearly all the stories I'm working on. I'd post descriptions...but that would take until at least 2048.

A "*" indicates a working title. All other titles are subject to change but might not.

Four Flights Up:

Adam

Cain

Cane(Vivisection)

Atom(A Cancerous Nightmare)

Tarn:

The Fall of Light

1. Sunset

2. Ascent

3. Shadowflame

The Scarred Letters

1. The Reflection King

2. Eleventh Hour Dawn

3. The Reign of Midnight

Kingdom Genesis*

1. A Prophet’s Curse*

2. A King’s Oath*

3. A Kingdom’s Rise*

The Morning Star*

1. The Beginnings and the Endings

2. Descent

3. Sunrise

The Hornet’s Nest**

Desertion

Devotion

Desecration

The Mobilus:

Up in Smoke

Cardiac Arrest*

A Thousand Blaring Sirens

Fairy tales:

Work* or I'd Really Rather Not Marry You if That's OK*

A Kingdom of Dust (Little Red Riding Hood retake #1)

Ugh (Little Red Riding Hood retake #2)

Humpty Dumpty*

The Three Billy Goats*

The Nights*

Veilworld:

1. In the Shadow of Giants*

2. The Dark Guest

3. The Great Depression*

4. Peace (Greenstone)*

5. Rise Up (Greenstone)*

6. Chain of Recollection (Greenstone)

7. Lights

8. Carnivaltown*

9. Mere Ghosts (Realm of Towers)

10. Reflections

11. The Tree*

12. She Left a Whisper

13. Circlewinds

14. Finding the Forgotten*

15. Elevator Music

Assassin short stories:

Rainfall

Snowfall

Windfall

Downfall

Standalone Works:

Kingdom Darkness

The Day that Disappeared

In the Dirt

White-Out Melodies

106 Nights*

Faust*

Twine*

Nerves*

That's everything I can think of...now if you've been wondering you know everything I'm working on writing...

My internet connection makes me very sad.

No one will ever see things the way I do...

Hi people.

You may be hoping for something of potential interest for your reading pleasure this fine evening, but I am regrettably forced to disappoint.

New writing WILL be up by Friday morning, though. I just to stay focused this week so I can enjoy spring break.

Recently discovered bands I'm pretty sure I really like:

The Almost

Cool Hand Luke

Future of Forestry

Dead Poetic

Chasing Victory

Explosions in the Sky

Jonezetta

I also like going to a band's myspace page and picking the song with the most exciting song title to listen to. And I like Relevant magazine! I just got a subscription, and it's pretty cool. The only Christian magazine I've ever heard of. The articles actually aren't bad at all...

Anyways, later, children of the stars, kids of the corn, llamas and emus everywhere. Have an awful night!

Wait.

Have a good night. Later.

I want to hear the thunder of all You are

Hi everybody.

Just a quick update today... got a new focus verse up...a little passage in Ecclesiastes I really liked...

And the blog I posted that Ashton and Savannah felt should be put back up is live again...even though it's just a lame "I'm up really late and I shouldn't be" type deal.

Today's been a good day. I would love to write more, but I'm short on time.

Hopefully I'll have some devotional blogs up this week, as well as two new poems I've written, if I decide I like them, and Downfall, the story I talked about last week...and if all goes well, the first chapter of Cain will be finished sometime over spring break.

Anyways, thanks for reading Cain...I'll talk to y'all tomorrow...

Tired of the sunset, think I need a sunrise...

Wow, it's really, really late. I think I should really go to bed now...I just broke my no texting after eleven rule...Actually, I think I've broken that one twice tonight.

Whoops.

My eyes are kinda burning.

And my neck hurts a bit...

I'm surprised I'm not keeping anyone in my family up. I totally spaced on the fact that I've been blasting Blindside for the last hour...I've been spacing a lot in the last couple hours...I stood up too fast when I was at Chad's house tonight and nearly fell over because of a huge rush of blood that went to my head and I've been a little drowsy since...

I went to Chad's graduation. *sobs* The little guy's all grown up now.

There was quite a bit of fascinating conversation that went on over the course of the evening, but somehow I forgot most of it. I think spending too much time on the internet is making my brain work slower. I don't know what it is...but I need to spend less time online, I think. I'm pretty sure it's killing my short term memory.

Weird.

Anyways, I guess it's too late to say this now, but don't waste time reading this blog. Read yesterday's! In fact, I probably shouldn't even make this live...but I will. Until tomorrow. Then I'll realize I shouldn't have and take it down.

Okay, stop talking, Bryce, and go to bed!

Goodnight, llamas.

"Cain"

Here's the first half of chapter one...let me know what you think! This is just a rough draft, so any opinions, even negative ones, would be welcome.

Chapter One: Fear of Burial

There is a depth in cruelty, an emotion few are brave enough to discover, something I feel every time I peel the wings off a butterfly. An offshoot of the Tigris flowed at my feet as I pinned one of the little insects between my thumb and forefinger and pulled gently, slowly, at one of his colorful little wings, peeling it back until it popped off with a little snap.

As its juice flowed over my fingers, the little bug wriggled like mad, flapping its one wing as it fought desperately for its freedom. A voice called through the forest where the miniature struggle was taking place, waking me up to what I was doing, kneeling in the grass and torturing a helpless bug.

“Cain!” It was my eldest sister, Zillan. Fearful at the possibility of being discovered, I quickly dumped the struggling bug into the flow of the river and wiped my hands off on my tunic.

The cruelty wasn’t something I talked about, but something I hid, deep and secret like the stones at the bottom of the river. The crumpled butterfly was now by the gently tossing waves, and the cruelty was hidden now by the mad shuffle of my thoughts as I prepared to answer her.

Mother and Father couldn’t find out. No matter what. I didn’t mind if my younger brothers and sisters knew, but not mother and father. I felt a stab of guilt as I glanced about the forest, a green sea of trees that blotted out the sun to mere dabs and shadows. I was ashamed of my cruelty, and I wanted it buried.

Father had told me about burial. The first death in human history had been an infant. One of my sisters had died in childbirth, breaking my mother’s heart. Father had buried her, wrapping her tiny, fleshy body in blankets and digging her a deep hole, a deep, dark, gaping, black mouth that had swallowed the baby whole and licked its lips, jaws of earth clenching its teeth over her forever.

“Cain!” a voice interrupted my thoughts, a face breaking through my vision of the dead baby’s grave. Angry green eyes glared into mine. Zillan. After Abel, my younger brother and I, she was oldest.

“Quit dozing, Cain. Father needs your help. Another of Mother’s babies is going bad.” She grabbed my wrist and gave it a sharp tug, leading me out of the forest.

“I wasn’t dozing.” I insisted stubbornly as the quiet nine year old dragged me out into the brilliant sunlight of the fields beyond the trees. And yet, I knew better than to tarry in whatever Father asked of me. He was short on patience for his cruel firstborn son.

As we neared the modest, one room cabin that all humanity currently called home, thoughts of that gaping grave came to mind. I almost wanted it to happen again, craved it with all the darkness I hid from my family.

As in the forest, darkness blotted out the light inside our tiny house and relegating it to whatever slats and cracks would abide its passage. Mother was perched upon a simple bed Father had once said angels had taught him how to build. She was groaning in pain, her dark hair plastered to her face by perspiration. Even then, she still managed to look beautiful. For a moment, my cruelty was unwoven like a rope fraying into its individual fibers, unmade by a simple, childlike love for my mother.

Father stood at her side holding her hand, face a picture of loving concern. Still holding my wrist, Zillan dropped it very suddenly and gasped, holding her hands to her mouth in horror.

The sheets and blankets of the bed were stained red with blood. I was rarely taken with a desire to pray, but right then and there, I wanted to drop to my knees for Mother and pray to God to take away the pain that tortured her so. I felt suddenly and unreasonably like it was all my fault. I the monster had been inflicting pain on the beautiful, and now mother was hurting for it, almost as if she were somehow the butterfly.

Adam, Father, released Mother’s hand when he saw me. He walked across the room and knelt so that our faces were inches apart. Zillan began to bustle here and there, attempting uselessly to busy herself in helping Mother.

“We’re losing another one.” He whispered quietly, as if Mother didn’t already know, weren’t already mourning the dead body bleeding inside her. As if Mother weren’t a living grave for the snatch of time before she gave “birth”.

I didn’t speak, merely waiting. He had a command for me. Father never spoke to me unless he had a command.

“Fetch me a blade,” he growled under his breath.

It's like the breath before a dive, it's like the truth after a lie...

People.

Work was different yesterday. We have a new superviser in Merch, my department, and she's wanting to make all kinds of crazy changes to get us back to the standard operating procedures. Our last sup, Shawn, had different ideas...he was more concerned with silly things like efficiency, and getting work done.

But that's not what Best Buy is about...

Anyways, she's been making lots of changes, including the fact that we now go to chalk talks. This may sound like an exciting discussion about blackboards and the utensils we use to write upon them, but it is actually a meeting where we stand in a circle and get "pumped"...as it were. As this is generally a time to chat about numbers and sales and drives, Merch and Inventory are generally free to exclude themselves.

But no more.

Today our whole crew went, dropping what we were doing in the middle of the doing of it, and we talked chalk. Actually, it was really fun at first. We played a game! Everyone was divided into two teams and then one of the store's sups would say a movie quote and somone from each team would take off running for the movie department and try to bring back the movie that had just been quoted.

At first, I didn't participate, but then when everyone realized I can run at speeds rivaling an ostrich at full canter, I was put to prodigious use racing past everyone and grabbing the proper DVD. This wound up being the best part of the meeting. I got my team two of our three points. We still lost, but I got to feel heroic for pulling our team from behind to tie the game until the last point...

AND I gave BLOOD yesterday! That was fun...

I like giving blood...lots of nice warm fuzzy feelings abound...

I don't see why people get so worked up about needles and the like. It hardly even hurts. I just watched the needle go in and went "woohoo" under my breath just as it hit my skin.

I say this because I happened to go at the same time as a girl who sits at my table in Bio, and she nearly had a breakdown over it all. She jerked when the nurse was prepping her and had to have her arm sterilized twice, and the nurse wound up calling over her supervisor because she thought the poor girl was going to need restrained...

I and her friend kept telling her there was nothing to worry about, but nobody ever listens when you say that. In the end she was brave and went through with it, though, which is good...

The whole process feels a little odd. Your arm starts to go numb after a minute or two but you have to squeeze a little squishy heart thingie to keep your blood flowing. When I was all done was the worst, because the nurse was working on this other woman, and couldn't get to me for awhile, so it was like, "Um, excuse me, I'm bleeding into a tube here. Could we make that stop now?" It's not a bad deal, juice and trail mix for a pint of blood, I just didn't really want to lose more than a pint...

AND I get to look like a veteran of battle with my orange bandage. I wore it until a few hours ago today...even through a shower, because I didn't feel like taking it off...

The nurse told me it would get me sympathy and attention from girls, but I got none. Probably because I tell people I just watch the needle go in and laugh.

Yeah, so that was yesterday. Woot.

PSA: Give blood! If you can and aren't scared of needles or anything...

In other news, I'll have some fiction up soon. Sorry for all the delays...the first bit of Cain is finished, and my teacher really liked it, so I'll post it tomorrow, and then soon after I'll post Downfall, a bit of flash fiction continuing the story of a character I wrote about in an older story called Rainfall. There are actually going to be four stories about the assassin...Rainfall, Snowfall, Windfall and Downfall, buuut you won't need to read them in order or anything...

AND maybe I'll post some of the fairy tale stuff I've been working on...in addition to a few stories based on existing fairy tales, I'm kinda writing a new one, but more on that later.

I'll also return to blogging out of my devotions. I'm still writing, it's just been going into my journal instead of here...I also have to lead BOTH bible studies next week because Dave has gone off the deep end slacking wise. Or he's really busy with school. So...there should be no more of these pointless blogs...or else they'll be fewer and further between...

And I need a new job.

Best Buy has cut my hours down to almost nothing...and almost nothing is not a whole lot.

Later, emus, cousins to the wise and noble llama.

This morning, we don't mourn like those who have no hope.

My dear old dog Teddi Bear Ying Molly Hegenderfer died yesterday. She had to be put to sleep after a few hard months of failing health. She'd been losing weight, losing energy, she even lost the ability to walk eventually.

I don't know, I guess we all knew it was coming. I never expected it to happen yesterday, though. I came home from school to the news she was gone. I remember that morning, I was getting ready for school, and walked passed her, and she started wagging her tail. I thought it was really strange, because Teddi stopped wagging her tail a long time ago. Now it almost seems like she was saying goodbye...

We got Teddi when I was seven years old. My mom, sister and I stopped at a pet store at the mall in Ohio with no plans for a new pet, just to look around. Another dog, Sam, had just died a month or two previously, not that I was too upset. We never got along...I always felt like she had it in for me...

My mom noticed one puppy in particular, a two month old shar-pei, was totally focused on me, watching my every move, so we decided to play with her for a bit, and then when all three of us fell in love, we took her home for a weekend trial.

My dad was not so enthusiastic.

Nor was mom after a night of wailing, as the then unnamed dog cried and pooed in the cardboard box we kept her in at first. However, it took no time at all for all four of us to be fairly attached to the puppy, so of course we wound up keeping her.

And thus attempts to name her began. Each and every one of my suggestions was thrown out the window immediately, but I recall my sister being rather adamant that we name her Molly for some reason. I didn't particularly care at the time. I just wanted to know what her name was so I would know what to call her.

My mom threw out the suggestion Teddy Bear, since Teddi bore a resemblance to one, and when it was pointed out that our dog was a female, we changed it to Teddi Bear. Ying, her middle name, came later because when we first got her, she loved to follow me around, and be my shadow. My mom thought up this one, too, knowing that Ying is the chinese word for shadow, only appropriate for a Chinese dog. Molly wound up getting slung at the end of this because my sister thought it a better middle name than Ying.

Yes, we give our dogs middle names. :p

And so, for the next fourteen years, Teddi was there wherever we went, through moving here and there. She and I had all sorts of little adventures together. When we lived up in the mountains and had sixty acres of land and some horses, the two of would run all over the place exploring.

And I remember dressing her up with my sister(mostly her idea) and the way she'd go crazy every time she thought she was about to get a banana, and when we smuggled her into a hotel wrapped in blankets, and when she was so fixated on my dad that she walked into a wall...

She had a ton of nicknames. Puff and Twinkie were two I used quite often...Puff because of the way she'd be breathing when we came from a long walk together, Twinkie because, er, she looked like a twinkie from behind, when she's laying down. I swear...

We didn't spend much as time together over the last couple years, but I'm still going to miss her! It's so weird, we only have one dog now. I keep thinking when I feed Isabella or let her outside, I need to take care of Teddi, too. I'm going to miss the little mutt, er purebred.

Goodbye, Twinkie!

I've been warring alarms, till you were in my arms...

What an odd day.

I just choked on popcorn in the library, very loudly, and everyone turned to stare at me, and then I started laughing and they stared some more, and then I told them I was the voice of Big Bird on Sesame Street and they're still staring now.

Okay, one of those is a lie...

And there's a guy right across from me that looks just like Derrick! It freaked me out, because I was like, "Oh hey Derrick! Wait, what's wrong with your face?!" It wasn't Derrick. Luckily I didn't actually speak out loud. I think he thinks I'm insane, because I stared at him for a second and started to say something, and now he's glancing over at me every few minutes like "I would be a lot more comfortable if you left." I don't know, that or he's a big fan of PBS. I guess you never know.

Anyways...I'm just blowing off steam after my chemistry test. Now I gotta get started studying for a Bio test tonight. I know!! Two tests, one day! Ack!

AND. I'm supposed to have a good bit of writing done by 2 for my writing class. I'll post...something, later today, whatever I've gotten done.

I didn't pack any food today.

Bad idea.

I'm going to be soooo hungry by the time I get home tonight at 9. Actually, I might run home between classes and get food. I'm sure that's very interesting to you all!!

In other news...um, actually, there is no others news. I'm going to go study! Later llamas!

I've found all that I want, all that I longed for in You. Wasted time is when I'm far from Your truth...

Hey peoples. I'm up really, really early studying for a Chemistry test. I never was good at this stuff...I've been thinking lately I'll never make it as a doctor, no way, no how. A friend of mine who gets much better grades than me just found out he can't get into medical school here, so there's no way I will, with Bs and Cs. I can maybe get an A in Bio, but there's no way in Chem, none. Just not smart enough.

Anyways...I never meant to ramble that much...I'm in love with the worship songs "Spirit" and "Divine Romance". Been listening to them all morning...

"Spirit, come be my joy, be my song, fill my lungs..."

You know what, here's the whole song!

Spirit, fall fresh on me
Spirit, fall fresh on me

Hear my cry, fill my life
I won't need anything but You

I found all that I want, all that I longed for in You
I found all that I want, all that I longed for in You
Wasted time, is when I'm far from Your truth
I've found all that I want, all that I long for in You

Spirit, come be my joy
Spirit, come be my joy
Be my song, fill my lungs

I wont need anything but You

I found all that I want, all that I longed for in You
I found all that I want, all that I longed for in You
Wasted time, is when I'm far from Your truth
I've found all that I want, all that I long for in You

I've found all that I want, all that I long for in You
I've found all that I want, all that I long for in You
Wasted time is when I'm far from Your truth

I've found all that I want, all that I long for in You
All that I want, all that I long for in You
I've found all that I want, all that I long for in You
I've found all that I want, all that I long for is You
Yes, You're all that I want, all that I long for is You

-Switchfoot

because I know you love me, you just haven't realized...

Three new poems have been posted on Fictionpress.

Embrace.

Where Did I Go?

Sunset

I'm extremely interested in opinions on the last one, as I plan to use it to open one of the novels I'm working on...so interested, in fact, that I'm going to post it here as well!

I'm ah, a bit undecided on the title, haha. Let me know what you think, young emus. New story stuff should be up tomorrow...

"Sunset, After Sunset, Descents, or Nightfall"

No flowered fields beckon me on,
No stars above guide my wearied feet.
A gentle murmur of dark thought is all I carry
As I stumble down this abandoned road.


My hands, my bloodstained hands,
Speak of the death I’ve left in my wake,
Nails pierce the beauty of eternity,
Nightfall pierces the beauty of the sun.
This starless evening, this desolate field,
This empty road, they whisper,
Calling me down…

I’m waiting for a song,
A call of music to fill the air,
Drowning the warring noise in my head,
A song to lure me home.

A descent is the easier thing by far,
Down, down, down,
to honeycombed tombs and cobwebbed sorrow.
The heart of a murderer, I’ve carefully sought,
But what I want, what I await is a song,
A song to call me home.

People!

Hi.

Yesterday was crazy. We had one of the biggest, awesomest Ultimate games ever...I played harder than I ever have before, and it was pretty sweet, even though I crushed one of my fingers and my right shoulder's all messed up and I'm all sore...

Anyways, I'm going to have a short story or two up for y'all later today, hopefully. I might post the first bit of a new story I'm working on as well...Cain...

Later and goodbye...

I woke up extra early today without meaning too. Woohoo! I'm so excited about devotions! I'm going to go make coffee...later llamas!

I still miss your thoughts on rain...

People! It's raining! This is so wonderful I cannot even begin to tell you. I love rain to the depth of my soul. I spent all afternoon at work, and it was very hum drum and dull and when I found it was raining, I was so excited, I started hurrying so I could be sure to get off on time before the rain went away. Then I went through a walk before I left work.

There's a Red Lobster right in front of the Best Buy where I work and I'm pretty sure I made some dining patrons think I'm crazy, jumping in puddles and splashing water all over. I love rain, the smell, the feel of it, it's the best, and a half. The best and a half.

Anyways, I wrote a bit on Philippians 2:19-30 in my journal today...it's sort of different, the way I wrote it...these verses might seem like an odd choice, but bear with me and hopefully it will make sense!

"19I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, so that I too may be cheered by news of you. 20For I have no one like him, who will be genuinely concerned for your welfare. 21They all seek their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ. 22But you know Timothy's proven worth, how as a son with a father he has served with me in the gospel. 23I hope therefore to send him just as soon as I see how it will go with me, 24and I trust in the Lord that shortly I myself will come also.

25I have thought it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus my brother and fellow worker and fellow soldier, and your messenger and minister to my need, 26for he has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill. 27Indeed he was ill, near to death. But God had mercy on him, and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow. 28I am the more eager to send him, therefore, that you may rejoice at seeing him again, and that I may be less anxious. 29So receive him in the Lord with all joy, and honor such men, 30for he nearly died for the work of Christ, risking his life to complete what was lacking in your service to me."

-Philippians 2:19-30

This passage has little direct teaching, but I feel like there is still a lot we can learn from it...I went through verse by verse and pulled these thoughts out...

Verse 20--"For I have no one like him, who will be genuinely concerned for your welfare." We need leaders who are concerned with our welfare. As a leader, I should be concerned for the well-being of those around me.

V. 21--"They all seek their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ."Seek the interests of Jesus. Be after his kingdom, his glory, and his will, not yours. "It's so not about you."

V. 22--"But you know Timothy's proven worth, how as a son with a father he has served with me in the gospel." Be worthy, prove your worth. Act and carry yourself as you ought to, as a redeemed Christian man [or woman...] with equal measures joy and reverence.

V. 23--"I hope therefore to send him just as soon as I see how it will go with me," Trust your leadership and the direction they provide. Be willing to go where they would have you go, serving as they would have you serve. God put them over you for a reason!

V. 24--"and I trust in the Lord that shortly I myself will come also." Trust in God's timing, and be ready to do as you are commanded. Do not try to do anything by your own power and your own plan. Wait on God!

I jumped back a bit here...

V. 19--"I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, so that I too may be cheered by news of you." As a leader, seek God's will in guiding those you are leading. Again, not your will, not Bryce's desire, but God's!

V. 27--"Indeed he was ill, near to death. But God had mercy on him, and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow." God is with us at all times and will continually show mercy to us by working in our lives and fulfilling our needs. Mercy starts and the cross and it doesn't end for the rest of eternity...

V. 29--"So receive him in the Lord with all joy, and honor such men" See your pastors and various leaders in your life as something to be joyful over. Rejoice at the opportunity to learn from godly men and honor them. Do not fail to treat them respectfully and be eager in anticipating the wisdom God has given them.

And one more...okay, two more...

"...for he nearly died for the work of Christ, risking his life to complete what was lacking in your service to me."

V. 30(1)-- Lay down your life for the gospel. It's not about you, it's about God, and what he asks of you. Be willing to forsake comfort, position, wealth, and even your physical body if it advances His kingdom and magnifies His holiness.

V. 30(2)--Do not be lacking in your service. Be worthy, and show that you are a Christian, shining like stars in the universe. Preach Christ in your life, by your words, deeds and example. You are Jesus to the world, to quote the song. People will learn about Jesus through you. Live up to this awesome demand. Pray continually for strength to be able to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. Be in awe of God and His glory, and let that dictate your outward lifestyle. And let that lifestyle be a lifestyle of love, for God, for His Church, and for the unsaved world who know the beauty of neither one.


That's all I got...hope it serves in some context. Let me know what y'all think...this was certainly unconventional, so if I could hear some opinions, I'll be so happy, I'll buy you a lemon cupcake.

Or a llama!! Yes, I'll buy you a llama!!

I'm going to live with Bill the Pony!

I tried being somewhat loud tonight.

I think I know now why I prefer being quiet...I'm just...not very good at talking a lot. I babble a bunch and don't really say anything and I feel really obnoxious...at least, I annoy myself quite a bit...

But annoying myself is nothing new...I do that every day. I think I like leaving a lot of the talking to other people, though...I'm just not a performer...or terribly clever or anything.

Anyways...we had caregroup tonight, and it was pretty fun...

I made celery!

My brain is so dead, I really shouldn't be awake...

In fact, I think I'll go to bed...hopefully this post doesn't read like total gibberish...

I came home and there were lots of people in my living room and we had some interesting conversation and then I fell asleep on our sofa and supposedly snored.

Okay, good night...

One thing I know for sure, that you will never ever let me go...

Today's been lovely. I listened to two full messages and parts of another at work.

Mr. Deloglos-- The guidance of the holy spirit
Josh Harris-- "if boys would be men, would girls be ladies"
Eric Simmons--Picture of a Godly man

I think I really like listening to messages more than once. I've listened to the first two messages twice now, and I feel like I get a lot more out of them that way...they can't go in one ear and out the other as easily. That's something I have a big problem with, but that may just be me...

...because I'm dumb.

Josh Harris is a genius...I loved his sermon...very good stuff, and I highly recommend it if you can get a hold of it!

In other news, I cleaned out my car today, and found some stuff I didn't even know I owned, including a pair of pliers, a couple of toys, a bunch of magazines, the cords for two of my video game systems, a flashlight, a couple pens I thought were lost, and a litter of kittens.

I'm off...I have to take my sister to a piano lesson, and I'm going to visit a friend, and then tonight, caregroup, woohoo! Later peeps.

But before we part...I wrote this poem in creative writing class yesterday...let me know what you think...

"Where Did I Go?"

Where did I go?
down to the celler,
deep in the earth.
where the roots spread,
fingers reaching through the soil

Searching,
the roots of the trees come to find me,
even if I run,
down into this filthy world,
of dingy glass jars and lordly spiders
Spiderweb kingdoms reign here,
and the peasants,
the flies
do not seek an audience with the nobles,
but flee it in terror.

I too flee,
but it is not the spiders I fear,
It is myself, and the dark energies,
hatred and lust and despair and pride
all follow me from sun to cellar.

I've found no solice here,
no comfort, no joy, no hope,
but rather I've buried myself,
in a tomb fit for kings,

Where the jars of old fruit
hold court with the spying trees,
Where I learn to be a corpse,
Where I learn to be a dead man,
deep in the earth, buried in a cellar.

Crayons can melt on us for all I care!

Today I tried to sit in the grass outside the library because it was so nice out today but I couldn't because there was so much duck poop scattered through it. There is probably some deep irony to this but I can't figure it out.

Right now I'm outside in a little courtyard at a table, where there is no duck poo but a decent population of smokers. Worse, I can barely see to type because my screen is so dark.

I guess I just can't win today.

Actually, today's been a great day and I'm really happy...sorry for babbling so much. I'll have a bunch of (hopefully!) good writing up soon! Anything would be better than today's randomness, I guess...

Later llamas!

I can smell the death on the sheets covering me...

Hi.

!!!

Aiieee!

I'm leading bible study today!

Dave won't even be here...I'm going to be praying like mad...I have forty minutes to prepare, and certainly I can accomplish nothing worthwhile on my own...

I'm sitting with my back to the windows in the big window room at school. This is very odd, because now I can see the sky and the surrounding neighborhoods reflected in the screen of my laptop. It's wicked cool.

Anyways...we're going to be talking about Philippians 2:19-30 today, I guess.

Actually, I don't know. I have a few thoughts I've been curious about others thoughts on...temptation, for one...the whole idea of whether or not God tempts us. Jeremy and I were talking about it at our last meeting, and I'm curious as to what others think.

I guess I should have my own specific, clear view before I ask anyone about it, though. I'm not 100% certain what I think, so maybe I'll do some research on what exactly the biblical viewpoint would be.

And there's a passage in Matthew I've been back and forth on, in Matthew 5...

Anyways, this is a bible study, so I want to put as much of the focus on the bible as I can...

I don't know.

Maybe rather than a discussion, we'll just meditate on a passage or two. And THEN discuss the verses. I guess that would be hard with all the distractions around us. Especially these LOUD people that always come to sit in one of the other tables in the window room.

They're so loud. Gosh. And I'm not very loud at all. Maybe I'll challenge them to a rock, paper, scissors game, loser has to leave. I don't know how to cheat at rock paper scissors, though, and obviously I would need to cheat in order for us to be able to stay, unless I win, I guess. And then again, if I lose, we just go down to A level where it's nice and quiet. C level, where I am now, has better views but way more people.

Anyways, I'm down to twenty five minutes and counting. I'd better do something...something besides waste time thinking out loud in my blog.

Okay, here we go.

Temptation. I'm just going to keep thinking out loud, actually. We'll see where it leads...

Specifically, what is the question about temptation? Whether or not God tempts us. He is sovereign over all things and completely in control, so there is no question that he ordains things to happen...and therefore, he allows temptation to happen, because we are tempted to sin all the time, whether it be to steal a cookie or despair of our situation in life...

Temptation is the lure of sin, the pull of it. It is interesting that Jesus was tempted, because he wasn't inherently sinful the way we are. So his flesh couldn't tempt him the way ours can, but the devil could. He offered Jesus quite a bit if he would fall down and worship the devil...if we would break his fast...kingdoms and earthly glory, but Jesus resisted, as we obviously need to do. The devil tempts us, too, something we have to be vigilant about...

But back to the question, does God specifically and purposefully tempt us to sin?

I think the answer is no. However, God does use sin to teach us, and I think that he, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, can put trials before us in order for us to learn to be more dependent on Him.

Okay, God's word is clearer and more important than my babbling. Here's a verse I really like:

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to do it."

-1 Corinthians 10:13

Wow, okay, so no temptation can come upon us that God is not faithful to guide us through and protect us from giving in to. He allows temptation to occur, but if we trust in Him, we need have no fear of sin, because God will also give us a way of escape, so that we don't have to sin.

This is incredible!

How often can we prepare for and evade temptation and sin on our own? Knowing that God is in control and trusting in His will can make it all so much easier.

Just to make sure I'm clear, I think God allows temptation to occur, and through His sovereignty he uses evil and sin to His good, but on His own he would never directly tempt us. This would be sin, making it easier for someone to stumble. Rather than this, it seems like he allows the temptation, but prepares us for it and guides us through it, making what could be bad into a learning experience where we learn to more deeply trust God rather than ourselves.

Okay, I hope that was all clear. Let me know what y'all think. I don't know, I think these thoughts are fairly biblical, but I could be wrong. Unlike God's Word, I'm far from infallible.

I'll see what Jesse thinks if he comes today. I can always count on him for well grounded doctrine...

It's 12:04 and nobody's here. I wonder if anybody's coming. Probably just as well, really, since I'm not a very good leader or anything.

Well...I guess I'm going to start in on those verses in Philippians. Actually, that and I'll keep thinking about temptation too until I'm confident my views are right.

Ten minutes and nobody's here. I'll bet Dave told everyone I was in charge. That would scare me off, haha.

I think I'll hold off on writing about Philippians for right now. I don't want this blog to be a novel and a half...

I saw Amazing Grace last night and really, really liked it. I want to do some research on the whole story. I find it very interesting that the movie only got one and a half stars from the newspaper. They have consistently been giving all the new Christian movies coming out that exact rating. Thr3e, The Last Sin Eater, and others have all been getting knocked by critics, but now that I've seen one of the movies, this rating seems ridiculous. I mean, they may not be the best feats of cinematography ever attempted by mankind, but they're also not bad movies like such a rating suggests. I'm ticked now. The low rating Thr3e got took away all my eagerness to see it...now I wish I'd gotten a group together to go see it...

I don't know, I'm not TOO affected by reviews and stuff, but I guess I let them influence me to some extent.

In other news, I am going to Asia. I know because my fortune says so.

"You will enjoy a trip to Asia."

That was my exact fortune. Never mind the text message I sent out mentioning Africa.

Deathbed is one of the best songs ever written. So, so powerful. I highly recommend the new Relient K cd. It's brilliant. I'll post a review tomorrow...

Wasn't there something else I was going to talk about? I remember wanting to talk about something else.

Oh! Edgar Allen Poe. You want to know what my assignment is? In creative writing,

Oh, holy cow, a big noisy group just came in and took one of my chairs. Not that I need any. 12:20 and nobody's here. I'm really, really, relieved, though, I must confess. Not that I mind leading, I just don't feel prepared enough. I didn't have time for my devotions this morning.

Wow, I think I've been writing for an hour! I'd better stop while this is still manageable. Okay, quickly, in creative writing, we were all assigned to study an author that writes in our genre of choice and try to learn how to mimic his or her style of writing, and I chose Poe. Thus I'll be reading much of his fiction and trying to learn how to take apart his style and use it myself. I'm really interested in this idea, because I'd love to be able to read a writer's stuff and be able to sort of dismantle it and reuse what works for me.

Anyways, I'm off! Good luck reading all that! Sorry! Later llamas!

Five Random Facts About Today Before I Run

-My back is ouchy

-I am an old man with a son named Tom (who is actually my coworker Frank), and I fought in both world wars

-I'm reading Edgar Allen Poe's fiction for a really interesting class assignment

-The DMV stole three hours of my life

-I'm going to see Amazing Grace!

Bye!

Whoa, I'm all loopy today. I felt sort of dizzy during bible study, and I still feel weird now...

It's way, way, way, way, way, way, too hot in here. I think someone must be eating a sandwich with Satan's mayo on it and it ticked him off. I guess I would be angrier if I were the person eating the mayo, though, honestly.

Way, way, way, too hot. I think I could boil an egg on my computer's battery, it's getting overheated, I think.

Anyways, I need to go...so, so, so, so, much to do. And it's way, way, way too hot. I should make a song. Except I can't sing. Or write songs.

Or figure out how to get the new Relient K cd to fit on my eyepod. I keep taking off song after song and it keeps telling me I don't have enough space and it's making me

SO ANGRY.

SO, SO, ANGRY.

I'm three songs away.

And then I'm never going to look at a computer screen again. I feel like I've been spending too much time on the internet lately, so I'm thinking I may start withdrawing a bit from being involved in so many websites. I'm also going to try to consolidate both my emails into one if I can so that I don't have to keep checking both every day. I'm so busy with school, I need to free up more time for studying...

Or I'm going to

FAIL.

Like, big time.

Anyways, I'm totally babbling. Thanks for the prayers in regards to my spine. It still hurts, and it's awkward to move around sometimes, but I do feel much better today. God is so good to me! Bible study was interesting...at least I think it was...I hope I can be more focused next time.

SO, SO ANGRY.

And it's way, way, way too hot in here.


I'm going to fail, like big time.

Way, way, way too hot in here.

Okay, I'll stop now. I really shouldn't be on the computer right now, really shouldn't be updating my blog, really shouldn't let the navy recruit me!

They gave Jesse, Dave and I pens as they were walking by our table at bible study...they're kinda cool pens, but they're pens with a message.

"Join us"

Join us or we will bug the heck out of you and call you and visit your house and offer you fancy cars and a mansion and all your school paid for and then we give you a seventy acre ranch in wisconscin...

Okay, I gotta go! Liek for reals!

Later llamas.

That night at the theater, an impersonator died...

Hey people.

The last few days have been interesting...

Sunday...

-Mr. Deloglos gave a great message which I need to listen to again. Oh well, no use crying over spilled coffee...unless it stains the sanctuary floor...

-Lots of who's going where for lunch confusion

-Lots of who's coming to the movie confusion

-Firebowl! (tasty Asian food...very spicy...)

-Dave and I raced Derrick to see who could get to Dave's house first, and I won!*

-Halo 2 (Jesse has too much time on his hands, but luckily I am a master at sticking people with plasmas)

-Over the Hedge at Anne Marie's! (Funny movie, I wasn't too impressed, but it was pretty funny and we had lots of fun)

-Sugar cookies! (I ate Bob!)

-Weirdest, funniest/most disturbing youtube videos ever. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time...

-New plans for Lemon Guaca day related things. Chad and I are going to make up a dance...Jon Heder style...

-Rawr

On monday!! That's today! I hate mondays!! Actually, I'm in a really good mood, which is surprising, all things considered, because I threw out my back today! That's right! Totally messed it up. I don't know if "throwing it out" is the right term, though.

How it happened is rather odd. This morning at work we did truck as usual. I lifted some desktops and junk over my head, somewhat heavy stuff, no problem. Later I was taping up a furniture set (also very heavy), and suddenly as I was moving it a spasm of pain shot through my lower spine and it has been painfully sore ever since, and it gets really bad if I move too fast or try to lift anything that requires even the slightest strain on my back.

Long story short, I hurt. Really, really bad.

Short story long, I probably need to go to a doctor or a chiropractor. Liek bad. This isn't the first time this has happened. I've had back problems off and on over the last couple years, but mostly I've just ignored them, except for when it really hurts like today.

But this time was different. I don't think I should act like nothing's wrong again. I hated feeling weak this morning. There is nothing in the world I hate more than feeling weak. It got me to thinking about what it would be like if I were always like that, if my back never got better. At the moment, my livelihood depends on my back, and on being able to do hard work. And more than that...I feel so useless. As I was working I remember thinking about all the long term effects this could have on my life. I kept telling myself over and over again "God is in control, God is in control" and that he had a plan for me and that there is a reason for this.

But I also thought about how much this would change things for me...I would have to get a new job, I could never be a doctor, at least not an e.r. doctor, and I could never get married...I guess maybe it's silly, but I would feel too selfish to if I were too weak to protect and work for my family. No more ultimate frisbee, no more snowboarding, no more being active in general. For someone like me, with ADD, who can't sit still, that would be a nightmare.

But God is in control!

I know there's a reason for this, and that God wouldn't let it happen if there weren't something for me to learn. It's already been very humbling, to realize that everything I take for granted could change so quickly. Just being so weak, it's almost like fasting, in the way it is bringing me to constant awareness of God, with pain instead of hunger. Anyways, sorry for being so dramatic. That's just the way I was thinking this morning, and this is my weblog after all... I even thought about being bedridden and dying...it's funny, though, because I was and still am completely joyful...i was cracking jokes at work about my injury and I've been in a great mood all day. I'm certain I'll be fine, but if y'all could pray for my back...

Anyways, lots of new writing coming soon, new fiction, new blog on Ecclesiastes 2, and some videos...I'm buying the new Relient K cd tomorrow, so I'll also let y'all know what I think. For now, I've got homework to peel, potatoes to catch up on, and 24 episodes to get done. Or, er homework to get done, potatoes to peel, and some episodes of 24 to catch up on.

Also, I'm reading Peter Pan for the first time. Interesting book...and very, very odd. The original story is a lot better than the old disney movie...although its been so long since I saw the movie I can barely remember any of it...

And in other news, I named a chair "Fred" at work today. We got a new supervisor in Merch, and she, like all new leaders are wont to do, tried to make changes and "improve" things. For her, improvement looks like throwing away our beloved merchy chair. But guess what, we love our chair! Like Dave said, it's pretty much family...even though it has no back. It's a gray, standard office chair with no back, so it's sort of like a stool with wheels. How cool is that? In an effort to protect him, I gave him a name, because I figured you can't throw away anyone that has a name. Hence, Fred. I named the new chair Alexander. I meant it to sound sort of snooty, but I didn't succeed by any great measure...

Anyways, potatoes are calling my name. Have you ever wondered who figured out potatoes were edible? I mean, on their own, they're pretty much disgusting. At any rate, I must go. The moldy rocks await...I am go peel potatoes and dance whilst listening to David Crowder Band...but only with my toes. It hurts to move pretty much anything else, haha.

Rawr again, I say. Later, you sassy young llamas, and take your bonnets and laced umbrellas and fancy trousers with you! We've no need for such overdressed llamas here...

Ow.

I'll give until there's nothing left.

Okay...no posts for a couple days...I promise...

"Give"

No one told me the right way to go about this
So I'll figure it out for myself
Cause how much is too much to give you
Well, I may never know so I'll just give until there's nothing else

Yeah, I'll give give give until there's nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give give and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left
I'll give

No one told me how bad I need you
But I somehow arrived at that conclusion all by myself
And I want all you have to offer
So I'll offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing else

Sometimes it seems like all I ever do
Is ask for things until I ask too much of you
But that is not the way that I want to live
I need to change, yeah something's gotta give

I'll give give give until there's nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give give and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left
I'll give


-Relient K

Okay, both my blogs from March 1st are back up. Feel free to comment! I don't get emails when people comment anymore, though, so if you comment on anything older than five posts back, I probably won't get it, but anyways, I've given y'all enough to read...let me know what you think or feel or if your lucky charms are happy.

Also...new focus verse.

Jesus, your love is a mystery...

Hey kids.

Nothing much to report for now...I think I'm going to repost one of the blogs I took down later today. The other one, the poem, I'll probably just post on Fictionpress later, along with a ton of other new stuff...

Yesterday was both sweet and cool simultaneously. My friend Jeremy and I started meeting for accountability...we went to a coffee and tea place near my house called Peet's, and since I never drink tea, I asked the uh, do you call them baristas?? I don't know, anyways, I asked the coffee and tea lady what she recommended and this turned out to be a bit of a mistake, because she had me smell some tea whose name neither Jeremy nor I could pronounce, and I thought it smelled quite nice, so I got that.

Don't ever do that at Pete's...or Peet's. I can't actually remember which it is, which is sort of sad I guess...

It was sort of gross, even after I tried adding cinnamon and some sort of carmely syrup stuff. Soooo, I'm thinking coffee next time. Coffee makes me happy, possibly more than it should.

And Jeremy drank a Russian Caravan. Sorry, that's just fun to say. I tried some, and we both decided it was like trying to take a bite out of a chair. Lovely wood flavor.

In addition to Matthew, Philippians, and Proverbs, I'm going to start going through Ecclesiastes. I'm going to slowly, now, though. I'm going to try to start reading and journaling more, and focus on blogging less...although I still will...actually, I think the way I'm going to do things will result in more, better blogs, so really I'm just babbling pointlessly now.

I have to go now! I totally forgot to say anything about the worship night at Mine's I attended last night, but it'll have to wait! I'm too excited about jumping into devotions!!

Later llamas!

This ain't no ordinary love...

People! I just got two new songs for free!

Apparently there's a website that gives away free music on fridays, called...get this...free music friday.

And today they're giving away a Phil Wickham song, which made me really happy, because I haven't been able to get his cd yet. I also got a song by a band called the Turning...which I've never heard before.

My last two blogs are down for now. I'll repost them later when I get a chance to look them over. I need to stop posting things so hastily...

Humm, later llamas.

Time don't wait for no one...

I really like the new Family Force 5 song "Never Let Me Go". I think they're my fifth favorite band, not Falling Up. And Relient K is fourth, not Lifehouse.

Because I'm sure you've all got a scorecard somewhere where you keep track.

Funny, the topic of Never Let Me Go and my post coincide quite well...

I've got a poem I wrote in class today. It actually came out as a story, but I found that it made more sense as a poem. I didn't even have to change anything except to break it up into stanzas instead of paragraphs. Weird.

Not half as weird as the poem itself, though.

"Embrace"

They had nothing to say to each other.
In the depth of the grave there are few words between lovers,
all conversation long past,
given over to freshly churned dirt,
the enclosure of polished wooden coffins.
Polished wood for a young pair
buried under one tombstone in two coffins.

The coffins, perhaps, are the worst.
There can be no embracing now, six feet from the sun.
There can be no worms and flies,
no rotting suits,
no withered flowers,
but too there can no embrace.

There can be no selflessness,
there can be no joy,
no submission of needs and wants,
nor summer days filled with anticipation
with preparation,
nor toil backbreaking that brings a smile to the face.
No toil can be done in earnest,
to feed the mouths of hungry children,
children that were never born.

There can be hell.
Its burning fingers of flame can pull through the dirt,
sifting it, sorting it.
There can be an embrace of flame,
for two lovers separated by coffins and dirt.
Flame for two that cannot embrace.

There could be hell were it not for the song heaven,
a liquid water that rushes through the earthly,
a melting of ice that leaves life in its path,
life and a heat that never burns.
There can be heaven, for there can be hope.

I need you, I need you here I need you now, I need security somehow.

Hey llamas.

Today's been rather interesting...I'll try to get back to that blog on Philippians I promised earlier in the week. I've got a little time right now before bio starts, so I'll jump on it now.

Bible study today was somewhat odd. Dave was like twenty minutes late because of a test and I started thinking about leading myself, but I wasn't sure if I should, figuring he might show up at any second. He's talked about me leading before, but I'm nowhere near as good at leading discussions as he is. I can't really think of anything to say fast enough. I guess all I really need is a good question or two...we wound up waiting for him to arrive, and then when he finally he did he was all loopy and unprepared so he had me give it a shot, but even though I was more prepared, I was pretty loopy too...

I've been trying lately to try to watch how more experienced leaders talk. I want to learn to emulate what really works to get people talking and sharing and the like. So it didn't work at all today but maybe I'll try again sometime. I did at least talk, which is a step above last time...

Anyways...

I should have a ton of new fiction coming y'all's way. In class today and tuesday we did some really interesting prompts. A prompt in creative writing is where the teacher gives an idea like "write about an empty glass" and then we do so. This where some of my recent writing has come from...most of which I guess y'all haven't read.

I just turned in a remixed version of Adam. I might post the reworked version of the story soon, or at least the first three chapters, which is what I turned in. Chapter four still needs some love, but I'm hoping to get it up to par soon.

I've also pretty much decided what to do with Adam. As I believe I mentioned before, it's going to be the first of four short stories that tie together, the next of which is aptly titled "Cain". The latter two are going to be a bit different. I'm going to completely overhaul an older story called "Vivisection" and begin work on a new story called Atom, which is really going to build off some of the themes I explored in Adam in a less restricted manner.

I don't know if I ever talked about it, but "The Day that Disappeared" which was going to be my third story before I decided to use "Vivisection" has been put on hold. The Day That Disappeared was about a dude who could travel back or forward in time if he had the newspaper corresponding to that day...and then he gets like trapped and he has to find the newspaper for a day where all the papers are missing... The plot for it got too complicated for a short story, so I decided to hold off.

Oh yes, and this project is going to be called "Four Flights Up" referencing the, er, fourness of it and a line from the last short story.

And!! I've got some FINISHED short fiction for like the first time ever, even some flash fiction (250 words or less). And! A few new poems.

So. I'll post some of my new writing soon...I don't want to write too long a blog today so I better jump right in to the verses before I forget every word I ever thought...lucky for me I write so much down...

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

-Philippians 2:12-13

Well, today in bible study we discussed different translations of the bible, so I decided to look up a few alternatives. The King James, NASB, and ESV all say "work out your own salvation". The Message says "be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God" and the NLT says "work hard to show the results of your salvation".

It's this idea in particular that caught my eye when I first read through the chapter. It totally threw me for a loop, which is why I jumped ahead two verses to the bit about grumbling and questioning.

What does it mean to work out your own salvation?

I didn't know...until we talked about the verses earlier in the week...

I have a tendency to condemn myself, to the point of self-destruction. I've noticed that condemnation can sneaky in the way it creeps into my life, because sometimes even though I'm living in the awareness that Christ died for failings, I still view myself through a lens of condemnation. Sometimes I forget that God is still working in me to change me, and I let what I think about myself and what I think others think about me decide how I live my life.

But if I do this, if I focus on my own judgments about myself, then I can't be aware of what works God would have me do, and I can't grow in my faith. It takes an outward, God-centered focus to be able to change, so through self-condemnation, I'm trapping myself in the very thing I'm getting upset about.

This is why working out your own salvation is so important. I need to live in constant awareness of the fact that I am saved and forgiven, and that I am going to be sanctified in the image of Jesus. We need to be energetic in our life under grace, and work hard to show the world what it means to be a Christian. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!

There you are. My brain is now officially fried, and I have bio in a few minutes...hopefully that all makes good and perfect sense.

I just had a tasty muffin! Yay!