Finding promise in failure.

Today changed me.

I'm not sure how many days in my life I can say that about. Not many, certainly. You see, I failed today. It feels like one of the biggest failures of my life, even though I've tried to downplay it throughout the day...I really can't get around it.

You see, I failed my fire academy practical today, putting an end to a month and a half of nearly torturous studying. I only failed two stations, and I get to retest in a month, but I still can't get over it. It's hard to put into words exactly how it made me feel...but to work so hard, to put so much in to something I truly believed I could do, only to fall short, is incredibly painful to me.

It broke me. I held it together and kept my head up high as I walked away from the drillgrounds, but it really broke me. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but I sobbed the entire way home. I can't remember the last time I've ever cried that hard. And I'm usually pretty good at reigning in my emotions and keeping them in check.

I feel different, now that I'm a failure. It's an odd feeling to describe. I feel a bit odd trying to describe it, because I think it's a feeling only fellow failures can understand. I haven't told a soul how it all made me feel, because there's no way anyone will get it. Not my family or friends. Not my friend who went through the same academy, since he passed. Just the people who wound up like me, the ones who didn't measure up when it really mattered.

The failures.

It left me a little shellshocked. I haven't been able to decide what to do next. I feel like I'm at a little bit of a crossroads. Not to say I'm giving up, no. I intend to retest and give it all I've got it again. But now I've got this failure here. This game-changing failure that's always going to be a part of me. What do I do with it but learn?? Learn how to live better.

It may sound odd, but I feel more alive now than I have in a long time. I've barely been sleeping out of stress, barely noticing what I ate, what I did. Because I've been so singularly focused on this goal of mine to become a firefighter, to the point it almost made me sick. But then I'd freak out about getting sick and not being able to test, and I'd take vitamins and drink green tea and make sure I did what it took not to get sick.

Sorry, I know I'm starting to ramble. Short story long, I feel kind of liberated now. I don't know what I would have done if I'd passed. Celebrated, I suppose, but I would have stayed the same person. Because that's what I expected, to pass. But now I'm different.

I watched the new Night at the Museum movies tonight, and it was of course totally ridiculous, but something really struck me, something Amy Adams as Amelia Erhart said. "Have fun." What's the point of life if not to enjoy it, good or bad? I've been so stressed about this, and so busy carrying the world around on my shoulders, I haven't stopped to smell the roses in what feels like a long, long time.

And now in failure, I'm free.

Not to say there's no place in the world for responsibility, and doing good. But life is for enjoying. And I want to enjoy it. So that's all I wanted to share...there's been some brokenness and sadness today, but I think God turned it around into something beautiful, something I hope I never forget for all my life, whether I succeed or fail, whatever comes next.